So you wanna change the world.

If I try to make a difference would it help anyway?

--

July 4, 2010

After this week...
I don't want you to remember me.
I don't need you to know my name,
my face,
my life.
I don't need a letter, a call, a note.
I only ask one thing of you as i go...
I want you to remember that
Jesus came
and shared a moment
Serving You.

--

I wrote this is my journal the third day i spent in Jamaica, along with a saying that I have made a personal goal to live out.

"You may be the only Jesus somebody ever sees"

This journal filled with snipbits of my life and things that ive heard that have touched my life and shaped my relationship with God. Things that have impacted my life, my world. Experiences that i don't think i could ever relate to anybody else, but they changed me. I wish that everybody in the world had a experience like this, a book almost completely filled with 5 months of life... falling apart but holding my life together.

--

I want to change the world. I want to not be afraid to stand up alone for what i believe in. No matter what the cost. "For God did not give us the spirit of fear, but the spirit of power, of love, and of a sound mind" 2 Timothy 1:7

"Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity" 1 Timothy 4:12

God,
I want to have the courage of David, a boy so young, and yet so strong. Risking his life, his dignity, everything to stand up against the giants in his life for your Glory. God I know I will face giants in my life in the next few years, maybe even months. I've overcome some before God, you've been faithful to your word before, and you will be faithful again and i know that. Give me the serenity i need to trust in you. Give me wisdom to follow your path no matter the cost. God i want to change the world, but not for me, for you. If thats your calling for me, let it be God. Wherever you want to send me, give me the courage to say "Here I am Lord, Send me."

--

So you wanna change the world,
What are you waiting for?
Say you wanna start right now,
What are you waiting for?
It only takes one voice,
Common now and shout it out
Give a little more
What are you waiting for?

Mothers Cries

an original poem --

a man walks up
five stars on chest
envelope in hand
it's opened;
heard
"i'm sorry ma'am"
as the color left her head

"i promise ma,
i'll be home safe
but, keep me in your prayers"
his last words,
thought i asked you God
to keep him in Your care.

a flag procession
men in black
shots heard far and wide
his blood shed
his promise broken
to let his flag wave high

a purple ribbon
now adorned
atonement for his life
shown with pride
near stars and stripes
at cost of life
and mothers cries.

Shifting Shadows

‎"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, -- Who does not change like shifting shadows -- " James 1:17

It's good to know that no matter the changes and decisions and circumstances in my everday life, my heavenly Father never changes, His love never fades, and His mercys are new every morning ♥

--

All the decisions i make can impact every moment of my life, some things are trivial such as what i will wear, others can impact me tremendiously, such as which college to pick. Though i know i will change my mind many times with the big decisions in life, I know that i have a God that will never change His mind, and no matter what my life is in His hands and nothing can change that (Jer. 29:11)

Faithful

You were faithful before, You'll be faithful again. I'm holding your hand ♥
So let the waters rise, if you want them to, i will follow you, i will follow you.

--

God,
No matter what happens in life i know that it is part of Your plan and though i won't understand it sometimes, i will put my faith and trust in you and realize that you hold the whole world in your hands and you will never let me go no matter what. Help me to remain in you and keep my faith and my eyes on You Lord.

Still Believe

Even when i don't see... I still believe.

--

So God, even when you do things i really don't understand, You were faithful before, You'll be faithful again. I'm holding your hand

--

It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed. ♥ Deut 31:8

Bigger

You are bigger then we let you be. You are strong enough to set us free.
By the pain of the Cross, You Bring LIFE to the lost.
You are Love, You are Love, Our GOD is Love.

hmm that line always gets me. How many times have i pushed God into a little box, instead of letting Him be the One over all things. Its like what i heard once. "If God were small enough for our heads, He wouldn't be big enough for our knees" -- Maybe we should start letting God be big enough to take care of eveything in our lives, and just give Him the glory and the praise.

--
So many times I have brought out my God box, a little place i push Him away when i feel like taking my life into my own hands. I tell Him he can come out on sundays or when something goes totally wrong, but i got the rest.
Even when i know i can't handle something by myself, my pride steps in and i don't want to admit to God that i had messed up and i can't do this.. SO i try to cover it up. God is definitly always bigger then i let Him be. He is big enough to make the world and hold it in His hands, yet sometimes i won't even let him hold my fragile heart.

--
God,
Don't let me try to fit you into my God 'box' anymore. or try to push you away and hide you from view. I know i cannot do anything without you, don't ever let me forget that. God you are so huge and big and sometimes i forget that. Hold my heart, Keep me in your care God. Though you are huge, you still take the time to know everything about me, down to the number of hairs on my head. Never let me forget that. Thank you for caring so much and helping me humble myself and lose my pride in Your presence Lord. Don't let my selfish pride get in the way of what you are trying to do in my life God.

--

[[The LORD your God, who is going before you, will fight for you]] It's good to know the Author and Creator of everything is fighting on my side ♥ Deut. 1:30

Youth Dinner

Theres no situation so chaotic that God cannot, from
that situation, create something surpassingly good...

--

Take tonight for instance. If you want to see chaotic and insane. Please be behind the scenes before/during a youth dinner at my church. I'm glad God gave me a dose of adrenaline in the form of Eggnog and NSync before i got there because if not i don't think i would have been able to make it through the night. Between the insanity of trying to fit 300+ people into our gym (and the VIP Hallway) to eat dinner and having 25 middle/high school kids serve them dinner (with side options) we all made it out alive (and relitively clean)and the line that from what i heard streched around the entire lobby of the church, and the moments where even our drink maker was starting to stress. I think we all kind of got a sense of what that quote means. you know. There is no situation so chaotic that God can't bring it peace.

Finnally at 7:30 (or what felt like 10:30) we we're all able to take a short breather. Looking back on the night, even you know... 3 hours later. I don't really think about chaos or stress or not having enough tables. I think about looking around and seeing the smiling faces of our wait staff and (wonderful) cooks just sharing the joy and humility of Jesus by serving other people. It was really awesome to see the tables rumble with excitement when they saw their food coming and they wait staff just light up when they got compliments. Looking back a whole 3 hours, it was really awesome to see what God did through the chaos.

--

Thinking about it doesn't He do the same thing with our lives?
You know at first in the moment it seems totally hectic and like there is NO possible way this will all get done. and just kinda hopeless when it seems like your trying to squeeze 300 things (or people) into such a small space. But looking back on the 'chaotic' times in my life i don't remember the stress or everything that went (or could have gone) wrong. Rather i rememeber the grace and the peace that i recieved when i just placed the situation in God's hands and stopped stressing about it. Just trusted Him enough to know that He could handle it without my help.

Maybe we should treat every sitation like a Youth dinner. Pray before we start, try our best with what we are told to do, and just let God have the chaos and insanity while we hold onto the peace and smiles. <3

Autumn

Still I notice You when change begins, And I am braced for colder winds. I will offer thanks for what has been and was to come... ♥
--
Autumn has always been my favorite season, The changing leaves and colors and weather, but until reciently thats all it was, tangible changes. But you know God have really been working in my heart, Now not only in autumn a season of natural changes, but spirital.
--
Hmm.. yes, theres been a lot of changes in my heart lately. or at least attemptive changes, God's been trying to do great things in my life. But me allowing Him to freely work in everything is a different story. You know i have the desire to grow closer to God and let Him have every aspect of my life and work in and through me in great ways and i know in order to do that i have to be willing to lay eveything down at the cross and just COMPLETELY SURRENDER and let Him have it all. But i think that is the part that i'm not quite ready for yet. You know... I just i feel like if i let everything go then i have nothing to really hold onto. and i know every time i say that the first thing that i hear back is God saying "Hold onto me, You'll always have me" But for some selfish prideful reason i can't let everything go.
--
"If you wanted me to love you only, Why'd you make these hands able to hold on.. So tight"

Sometimes i question this. You know i see that God is trying to change things and i'm mostly okay with that. i know they will turn out better and give Him more glory when He has full control and i definitly want that but sometimes i just question. You know God if you wanted to be number one in my life, if you wanted to be my first and only love... Then why did you bless me so much, why did you give me people and experiences that i don't ever want to let go of? I understand that God blesses us because He loves us, but sometimes i think it would be so much easier if He just let it be only Him we had to hold onto and we had to rely on His lone power and love to sustain us. If we were weak all the time we would have no trouble trusting God with everything, because it would be the most logical and reasonable step. But you know when God lets us be strong. and lets us have the free will that we can choose what to do it is soooo hard to make the right choice. Hmm.... i guess it's just hard sometimes. I know that God is the right answer and the only one that will bring me joy and everything else in the world is going to fail me. But you know sometimes, my flesh and worldly desires just take over and i dont make smart choices.
--
You know in seasons of change, especially the huge one coming up in my life. There has to be a leap of faith. There has to be something that you can stand on that will sustain you. You have to have Jesus or everything is going to fall apart. Life can take unexpected turns. I never dreamed of wanting to go to Texas or thought about going into ministry, but right now it seems like thats what God is pointing me towards. I always thought that i had my whole life figured out. But its when i started looking for Gods plans and not my own that i realized that everything i was building up on my own, was falling down right before my eyes.
With seasons of life comes changes, we all have to accept that and learn that no matter where God leads us or what we are doing, If we trust in Him and give Him the power and glory in our every moment, We are doing well.
--
In this season, we all need to remember to thank God for whatever He has or is doing in our lives, and start changing and learning to give Him complete control and surrender to Him not only daily, but in every moment <3
--
I will offer thanks for what has been and whats to come. You are Autumn

You may be the only Jesus someone sees

You may be the only Jesus someone sees.
How are you exemplifying his beauty and glory and making him famous?
Are you shining Him through every word and action and thought in your life?
Are you a mirror reflecting Him or a wall hiding Him?
Do you let your light shine for ALL to see, or are you hiding it somewhere deep inside?
Do people see you for who you portray yourself to be or do they forget your name but remember seeing something different, seeing Jesus?
Do you blend in with the crowd or do you stand up for what you believe in, do you stand up for Him even when your standing alone?
--
This has been really convicting me lately, I mean, I don't try to stand out in the crowd, i don't really want people to notice me because if i'm noticed for something that they don't like or agree with then i'll be rejected, and frankly being rejected as a senior in high school is no fun. You know i dont want to be friendless and alone at school and feel like i'm the only one standing up. But what i've come to realize is that Christ never said it would be easy; but, he overcame the world so that we would be able to stand up (John 16:33). To give us that freedom and capibility. We don't have to run and hide our light from the world because we are saved (and will be safe forever) from the devils schemes.
Jesus says, Blessed are those who are persecuted for my sake.(Matt 5:10) We should count it as a blessing to be looked down on by the world for the sake of our Savior.
--
It's hard to stand, especially when it feels like your alone. But when your tired (and you will get tired). He promises rest for your sould (Matthew 11:28).
Peace. Quiet. Rest.
Our hearts will break. Our souls will hurt. We will be broken and scarred and tired and scared sometimes. But think about it, we are given REST. When you are worn out and tired, who do you turn to? who calms you? (do you believe the one who is able to calm the storms is able to calm your heart?)
Do you look to your Savior and Father, or something faltering in this world?
--
You may be the only Jesus someone sees.
Not everybody is going to take the time to know your story or current situation.
Not everybody is going to make excuses for you like your friends do.
Not everybody is going to understand you.
Now I'm not saying to put on a 'perfect' act for the world to see to make yourself look like everything is alright.
but think about this: Do you give the glory to God in every moment and every situation and every circumstance (good or bad) OR is HIs glory and your reflectant light deterrent based on your current status, mood, or trouble.
--
Jesus wants to (and will) Shine through you at every moment.
Good or Bad. Troubled or Peaceful. Crazy or Calm.
Will you allow him to turn your:
Ashes to Beauty.
Your Tears to Joy.
Your Brokenness to Wholeness.
For His Glory.
So that in every moment He can be seen through you. <3

What Does Christianity Mean to You? -- College Essay

I could feel the sweat dripping off my face from the second I climbed on that roof. The sun beat down as I looked down on the herd of teenagers crowding below. The simultaneous sounds of hammers, shovels, and feet moving almost seemed like a symphony to me. As I joined in the melody, rhythmically moving cinder blocks up the ladder, I stopped noticing the sweltering heat. The only thing I saw was the hearts of fifty kids and the song that they proclaimed. As we headed back to camp for the last time, I thought about all the things had been done over just eight short days. We had physically served the community, but they had spiritually filled us up. I could have never dreamed of seeing God’s face so evidently in Jamaica; yet, in every drop of sweat and every gleaming face, I saw the evidence of His hand.
Though we saw the white beaches and the crystal clear waters of Jamaica; that is not the imagery what will remain with me forever. Rather, I will take with me the faces of all the lives I came in contact with. I saw the smiling face of Jesus manifested into little children and in the faithful followers of His service. I do not think I can accurately describe the feeling I received knowing that these people knew the saving power of Jesus, in such a dark place. On this journey, I was not just another Christian, none of us we’re, rather we were the embodiment of Jesus Christ ministering to the forgotten people of Manchester, Jamaica, and I think that is what Christianity is all about.
This summer I learned that being a Christian does not mean setting a couple hours aside every Sunday, to sit through a long, sleep-inspiring service. Christianity is a full out, intense, lifelong, awe-inspiring, indescribable journey that leads you through places of joy and peace that you could never imagine. The journey that God took me on this summer brought me to an infirmary where I observed the faces of the forgotten, “throw-away” people. Though their lives were full of pain, the only thing they could talk about what the saving power and grace of Jesus. These are the kinds of occurrences I experienced as I let my God take control and lead me to Jamaica. Though I had to go through immeasurable fear and doubt to get there, I came out willing to give up all the comforts and treasures of this world just to get a morsel of that feeling again. However, Christianity is not all about that feeling; it is about the commitment and calling that leads to it. It is the willingness to give up everything, so that, in turn, you can gain so much more. Through those things, God leads you into a mind-set of total freedom that you could never imagine.
My Trip in Jamaica held sleepless nights, long days, and straining work; but it also brought, unimaginable joy, inconceivable peace, extraordinary comfort, and implausible closeness to my Savior. For me, that is what Christianity is all about, the journeys. It is the moments that you are given by Christ that make everything else worth while.

Famous One.

okay so i'm sitting here at my computer desk chillin.

Know what i've realized lately.. Life isn't about me.

Life is about glorifying God in everything i do, making His name famous among the nations, not my own. It not about what people will remember about me when i die, its about what people will remember about Him.

i guess its just hard trusting in something i cant see even when i feel it. i mean for real.. its hard for me to trust someone i do see...

honestly i strive to be his masterpiece. its just hard when the world around me is so. just not. you know i really just wish i could just start over with everyone, you know start in a new place where no body knows who i am, cause it would be so much easier to be... idk.. me there. but i mean i dont have the luxery to run away, and even if i did thats not what God has asked us to do, he asks us to make his name Famous is every situation were in. we need to strive to make christ known where we are right now... no matter what.

Clear the Stage

you dont understand how much this song has like been my goal....--

Clear the stage and set the sound and lights ablaze
If that's the measure that it takes to crush the idols.
Chuck the pews and all the decorations too
Until the congregations few then have revival.

Tell your friends that this is where the party ends
until you're broken for your sins you can't be social.
Then seek the Lord and wait for what he has in store
and know that great is your reward and just be hopeful

Cause you can sing all you want to.
Yes you can sing all you want to
you can sing all you want to
And don't get me wrong, worship is more than a song.
Take a break from all the plans that you made
And sit at home alone and wait for God to whisper.
Beg Him please to open up his mouth and speak
And pray for real upon your knees until they blister.

Shine the light on every corner of your life
Until the pride and lust and lies are in the open.
Then read the word and put to test the things you've heard
Until your heart and soul are stirred and rocked and broken.

Cause you can sing all you want to.
Yes you can sing all you want to
you can sing all you want to
And don't get me wrong, worship is more than a song.

Anything I put before my God is an idol.
Anything I want with all my heart is an idol.
Anything I can't stop thinking of is an idol.
Anything that I give all my love is an idol.

We must not worship something that's not even worth it.

Clear the stage and make some space for the one who deserves it.

Cause I can sing all I want to.
Yes I can sing all I want to
I can sing all I want to
And still get it wrong,
worship is more than a song.

And you can sing all you want to.
Yes you can sing all you want to
You can sing all you want to
But don't get me wrong, worship is more than a song.
--

-Watch this -
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W8sKURkM3Es&feature=related

Unbreakable.

Last Wednesday i totally absolutely felt God. i was at family tab, my best friends church and i mean just when we started worshiping there was something different about the whole atmosphere of the room. I felt God there it was a peace and a joy and just everything and i felt convicted. and i prayed and i worshiped and i just felt free to lift my hands and speak to him and just cry and let Him hold me in His arms. so i did.. i felt completely and totally convicted about everything thats been going on in my life. i felt like i could just talk to God and tell him everything and just be at peace and be free and the devil could not bound me anymore by my past.... i just... idk. i went through a similar thing last night at my youth group. i felt God there, i knew he was calling out to me and i worshipped him and i really meant what i was saying.. one of the songs was called "unbreakable" by fireflight and it says "Now i am unbreakable, now i am unshakeable,. no one can touch me. NOTHING can stop me." and it just really stuck out to me. God was telling me that in HIS power i cannot be burdened or stopped by the devil. IN HIS POWER i can do anything.

i knew God was there and he was working in big ways in me. I knew he wanted to change me, he just needed me to let him have complete control.
and ive been working on that i mean im not perfect, but for one im trying to see him in the world, and His work in other people and His work in me. i try to look for Him even in the little things and be more thankful for all the blessings i have. and even the trials i go through. and its hard. oh i will tell you that its hard, but i think.. no i know its going to be worth it in the end. I guess its a faith thing, and ive had a lot of trouble with faith but i want God to be there for me and i know he always will when i call on HIm, and he may not always answer in the way i want him to. but he will always answer in some way.

and even when i dont hear it. I will BELIEVE in God even when he is silent...

Dear...

Dear Somebody!

You know. Sometimes i just wonder if there is anybody else out there like me.
I mean i know everybody is different, but i wonder if anybody can really know exactly how i feel.
I'm guessing that's very unlikely since God made us all different and we are all in different situations and respond to things differently. I guess i was just thinking. I mean how cool is it that i am the ONLY me. ha ha. maybe that seems a little lame, but honestly. Nobody will ever go through my life again. They may go through similar situations, but never the same life. So once the past is past, its gone. FOREVER. and i don't have to worry about it anymore.

Sometimes i wish i could go back and just change things, you know. Like they say hindsight's 20:20. There is just some stupid mistakes I've made to make myself seem cooler, or to get instant gratification and i wish that i would have thought before i spoke or acted.

hmmm. So today was the first day back at school after Christmas break, and everything already seems the same, it almost seems like i never left. i guess you just get into the same old routines day to day, it just feels like going through the motions.
I think a lot of people live life like that. Just going through the motions, going day to day and doing the same routine. I would not be able to do that. it bores me, I need excitement, change, spontaneity! ha ha. but i guess sometimes i get caught up in it too.

I wonder what life would be like if i lived just for one day, or one week. and with everything i did i thought about how it could effect the future, every word i said. every insult i used. every joke i made. if i thought about how it would effect me. i wonder what i would realize. Maybe that i don't think about what i say before i say it. Its kinda stupid because i make jokes all the time and i know that if and when somebody says something like that to me it hurts, and i take it personally. no i don't show that i do, but inside it hurts.
what if other people are that way too, i mean i know were all different but we have to share some of the same ideas and feelings, right?

hmmm well. this was random. i guess i just have a lot on my mind right now. :p
much love.